I stared at my Pepsi bottle wondering why I wasn't drinking it. It was just sitting there beside me, losing it's fizzyness. I should probably drink it before it was lost, right? So I did. I drank it until the last drop. Thing is, it wasn't like I was thirsty. I just wanted the satisfaction of the cold, crisp feeling before it became warm and flat. And that was when I noticed that I'd never done this before. Drunk it at once, I mean.
Before, I always waited until I really craved to drink it. Like, I had to be really thirsty to take a swig.
Maybe this seems meaningless to you, but it is a discovery of great significance to me. You see, I now realize that I used to do this a lot with anything I ate or drank. It used to be that I would just tell myself that I didn't feel hungry...I thought I didn't. It wasn't until my stomach began making loud whiny noises that I bothered to get up from the couch in search of something to eat. That's the key word: Bothered.
Could I really have been anorexic without meaning to be?
I always told myself I wasn't. I always told myself that I couldn't be. Didn't Anorexic mean that a person didn't eat on purpose? That they had a disorder that had something to do with their esteem?
I looked it up on Dictionary.com. Anorexia and Anorexia Nervosa are actually two different things:
Anorexia is described as a loss of appetite.
Anorexia Nervosa is described as
Before, I always waited until I really craved to drink it. Like, I had to be really thirsty to take a swig.
Maybe this seems meaningless to you, but it is a discovery of great significance to me. You see, I now realize that I used to do this a lot with anything I ate or drank. It used to be that I would just tell myself that I didn't feel hungry...I thought I didn't. It wasn't until my stomach began making loud whiny noises that I bothered to get up from the couch in search of something to eat. That's the key word: Bothered.
Could I really have been anorexic without meaning to be?
I always told myself I wasn't. I always told myself that I couldn't be. Didn't Anorexic mean that a person didn't eat on purpose? That they had a disorder that had something to do with their esteem?
I looked it up on Dictionary.com. Anorexia and Anorexia Nervosa are actually two different things:
Anorexia is described as a loss of appetite.
Anorexia Nervosa is described as
an eating disorder primarily affecting adolescent girls and young women,
characterized by pathological fear of becoming fat, distorted body image,
excessive dieting, and emaciation.
I'm pretty damn sure that I didn't have a fear of becoming fat. I always considered myself under weight and too skinny for my own good. I was probably obsessed with trying to become thicker and fuller. I just didn't eat. I wasn't hungry. Or at least, I couldn't identify hunger until I thought I could feel my stomach begin to eat itself.
Perhaps it's a side effect of having grown up without meals. Without SET meals, I mean. I only ate breakfast every morning until the age or seven or eight. Then there just wasn't enough time from the moment I woke up, got dressed and ran out the door to catch the bus. AND THEN, I just got lazy. Lunch was the only thing I'd eat on the hour. Cause of school. After school I'd return home, Mom would be gone to work, Dad wouldn't come home till eight or nine and my sister and I were left to look for junk food and scraps in the pantry. It's just how it was.
This is probably why I can't eat meals. Probably why I'm the slowest eater when I go out to eat with friends. My stomach isn't used to sitting down and getting plate after plate stuffed down. It's used to periodically eating small portions EVERY HOUR or EVERY DAY [not counting sleep, of course]. Hence why people are under the impression that I eat a lot. Pffffft! I don't eat a lot. I just eat portions. They add up to meals by the end of the day. I hope...
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Oh, dear.
Lot's of thinking and still no real answer. So....Was I or wasn't I?
An even scarier question: am I?
I hope not. I'm trying to eat more. I'm not trying to force myself to eat, because there are still plenty of times where I just don't. feel. hungry. But I'm taking baby steps. And I hope that works out well for me. I can't go on with a stomach unaccustomed to meals. That's just ridiculous.
Perhaps it's a side effect of having grown up without meals. Without SET meals, I mean. I only ate breakfast every morning until the age or seven or eight. Then there just wasn't enough time from the moment I woke up, got dressed and ran out the door to catch the bus. AND THEN, I just got lazy. Lunch was the only thing I'd eat on the hour. Cause of school. After school I'd return home, Mom would be gone to work, Dad wouldn't come home till eight or nine and my sister and I were left to look for junk food and scraps in the pantry. It's just how it was.
This is probably why I can't eat meals. Probably why I'm the slowest eater when I go out to eat with friends. My stomach isn't used to sitting down and getting plate after plate stuffed down. It's used to periodically eating small portions EVERY HOUR or EVERY DAY [not counting sleep, of course]. Hence why people are under the impression that I eat a lot. Pffffft! I don't eat a lot. I just eat portions. They add up to meals by the end of the day. I hope....
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Oh, dear.
Lot's of thinking and still no real answer. So....Was I or wasn't I?
An even scarier question: am I?
I hope not. I'm trying to eat more. I'm not trying to force myself to eat, because there are still plenty of times where I just don't. feel. hungry. But I'm taking baby steps. And I hope that works out well for me. I can't go on with a stomach unaccustomed to meals. That's just ridiculous.
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