So, it doesn't help to feel as if I am reverting to my old ways. Which I am. And I don't want to do this...If I revert to how I used to be, I become the quiet or awkward kid in the back of class staring at everyone. Some will mistake me as mentally ill...or just stuck up. I can not tell you how much I've been taken as a stuck up bitch.
I feel the need to clarify:
I am an awkward, shy and terribly insecure kid. I'm sorry I don't know how to respond to you. That is why I don't. I rather not make a really stupid remark and have you laugh at me instead of with me, thanks.
I just don't want to end my year this way, though. And it seems to be heading that way.
I don't know why. I don't know, I don't know, I don't know. I was doing fine. I was happy, I was content, I was [still am] ready for college and just gliding through the school year...
What happened? Why, all of a sudden, have I digressed? [So to speak.]
I think it might have something to do with the image that I imagine people see of me. I can't deny that it's been bothering me lately. Like, I know that it's mostly in my head....but then again, I know that it's not.
It's not because it's something I've struggled with all my life:
People taking me seriously.
It's true, I'm usually never serious. And I mean ever. But I do believe that I am never serious due to the lack of being taken serious my whole life. It really messes up your self esteem growing up....ESPECIALLY when you have a mother like mine: A cute, short, Asian-looking mother who laughs at everything.
No, she never laughed with me growing up. She always just laughed AT me. A trait that annoys me till no end with her-----yes, she still does this.
A kid can't grow up healthy when a parent, instead of laughing encouragingly, laughs to ridicule the kid. Maybe the parent doesn't mean to do this, but trust me when I say that little kid's don't like to be seen as stupid as much as older people.
How can they be expected to have confidence in themselves, otherwise?
No comments:
Post a Comment