ImmanerdImmanerdImmanerdImmanerd.

I want a new blog. But idk if it should be on wordpress or blogspot.
immanerdimmanerdimmanerdimmmmmmmmmaaaaannnnerrrrddddd........

Out With the Old, In With the New.

I need some sort of change. So I'm finally giving in and getting myself a tumblr and/or wordpress. I previously believed it was unnecessary [it so totally was] but I'm tired of blogspot, so away I go. Not that anyone really gives a shit. :D

Not Sure What I'm Unsure About.

I feel what I can only describe as "off" lately. Or as Facebook would say "one of those moods where you dont know whats wrong".
And when you don't know what's wrong, you don't know how or where to begin to find a solution. It's a fucking stress within itself when you don't know why you're upset or why you're down, or why you're feeling down, angry, sad, or just plain...bad? So our minds are wired to deal with this stress in some way. Like, for example, I daydream.
It usually starts with me in a bookstore in New York drinking hot chocolate. I'm 'reading' a book, although...I'm not. Usually when I go to a bookstore, I'm lucky to find a book to really focus my attention on. If I do: I'm sitting down wherever I'm at and reading my ass off. If not: I grab a book, a chair and pretend to read. What I'm really doing is taking in the smell of coffee, the tranquil music and the overall appeal of the bookstore. It's mind easing for me; this is what I day dream about when my mind just seems blank.
Other times, when I don't feel like doing work or I don't understand some sort of math problem and my brain partially shuts down, I find myself somewhere in Europe. I'm looking at the buildings, the architecture, getting lost and trying to get directions from a person speaking a different language only to have them scam me out of tons of money [haha, it's funny---only not really].
Ah. Same old, same old. That or I day dream about having an awesome adventure worthy of becoming a movie...
Point is, I'm avoiding trying to figure out my problem. Not really putting much effort into it. I mean: I'm not upset...but I'm not happy either. I'm not necessarily in a rut...but not really living an exciting life. [Like. Ever. But that's beside the point.]
I'm more or less just "floatin' around in the air all accidental-like".
Oh, to float around all accidental-like. I love Forrest Gump.
And then I think about art school. I'm note sure how describe my feelings towards it except that I'm very anxious about it. I'm not entirely sure what to expect, nor who I will meet, nor if it will meet my expectations. Will it be just like high school? Will it be nicer? Will I finally be in my "element"?
"OMG ARE YOU READY? I'M TOTALLY READY. I CAN'T WAIT. AHHH. ARRTTTT SCHOOOLLLL." I say it, but I don't fully mean it.
Gosh. I'm pretty confused and my mind isn't functioning as clearly as I'd like it to.
I mean, I still haven't even figured out what the problem is. Wasn't this blog supposed to help me out with that????
Uh, yes. Yes it was.

Was I Anorexic?

I stared at my Pepsi bottle wondering why I wasn't drinking it. It was just sitting there beside me, losing it's fizzyness. I should probably drink it before it was lost, right? So I did. I drank it until the last drop. Thing is, it wasn't like I was thirsty. I just wanted the satisfaction of the cold, crisp feeling before it became warm and flat. And that was when I noticed that I'd never done this before. Drunk it at once, I mean.
Before, I always waited until I really craved to drink it. Like, I had to be really thirsty to take a swig.
Maybe this seems meaningless to you, but it is a discovery of great significance to me. You see, I now realize that I used to do this a lot with anything I ate or drank. It used to be that I would just tell myself that I didn't feel hungry...I thought I didn't. It wasn't until my stomach began making loud whiny noises that I bothered to get up from the couch in search of something to eat. That's the key word: Bothered.
Could I really have been anorexic without meaning to be?
I always told myself I wasn't. I always told myself that I couldn't be. Didn't Anorexic mean that a person didn't eat on purpose? That they had a disorder that had something to do with their esteem?
I looked it up on Dictionary.com. Anorexia and Anorexia Nervosa are actually two different things:
Anorexia is described as a loss of appetite.
Anorexia Nervosa is described as

an eating disorder primarily affecting adolescent girls and young women,
characterized by pathological fear of becoming fat, distorted body image,
excessive dieting, and emaciation.

I'm pretty damn sure that I didn't have a fear of becoming fat. I always considered myself under weight and too skinny for my own good. I was probably obsessed with trying to become thicker and fuller. I just didn't eat. I wasn't hungry. Or at least, I couldn't identify hunger until I thought I could feel my stomach begin to eat itself.
Perhaps it's a side effect of having grown up without meals. Without SET meals, I mean. I only ate breakfast every morning until the age or seven or eight. Then there just wasn't enough time from the moment I woke up, got dressed and ran out the door to catch the bus. AND THEN, I just got lazy. Lunch was the only thing I'd eat on the hour. Cause of school. After school I'd return home, Mom would be gone to work, Dad wouldn't come home till eight or nine and my sister and I were left to look for junk food and scraps in the pantry. It's just how it was.
This is probably why I can't eat meals. Probably why I'm the slowest eater when I go out to eat with friends. My stomach isn't used to sitting down and getting plate after plate stuffed down. It's used to periodically eating small portions EVERY HOUR or EVERY DAY [not counting sleep, of course]. Hence why people are under the impression that I eat a lot. Pffffft! I don't eat a lot. I just eat portions. They add up to meals by the end of the day. I hope...
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Oh, dear.
Lot's of thinking and still no real answer. So....Was I or wasn't I?
An even scarier question: am I?
I hope not. I'm trying to eat more. I'm not trying to force myself to eat, because there are still plenty of times where I just don't. feel. hungry. But I'm taking baby steps. And I hope that works out well for me. I can't go on with a stomach unaccustomed to meals. That's just ridiculous.