I feel as if I've only come back from a one-week break to school. I feel like I've returned only to pick up the pieces and continue trying to survive on until graduation day. I feel as if nothing has really changed. Which, it hasn't. And because of this, I feel depressed.
As we walked around the school yesterday, I could already see my school year before my eyes.
And I. Did. Not. Like. It. At all.
God, if I have to go another year biting my tounge, keeping myself from doing what I want to do and always being the one to walk behind, I will chop someone's head off. If I continue to walk in someone's shadow and acting like a scared kid when I'm already a fucking senior, I will have to bust up someone's face. If my senior year I stay in the back bleachers and wonder why I feel so miserable then I will know that I am destined to fail at life.
Although I felt generally happy when I got home yesterday---after seeing my friends after two months---I suddenly felt very lonely, very afraid. I know for sure that if things are going to be different this year I'm gonna have to do some cutting, pasting, some talking, some action. Tomorrow will have to be very different from yesterday. Yesterday I walked into my homeroom, sat with the emo/band kids who I'm always used to sitting next to and I realized I use them as a comforting shield, a group I knew I could easily blend into if I tried. The thing is, I stood out the most.
Why had I always been afraid to face people who intimidate me? Was it fear of rejection? Why did I always move myself to the back of the group and shove someone else to the front? Why?
Because I was too lazy too try. I'd come home, listen to 'Chente and wish we had beer in the house so I could get drunk and sing along tunelessly to his music---music I could barely relate to expect for the passion and desperation in his voice.
I understand one thing now, however. Summer is over for us here in Tennesse. Maybe not for the rest of the world who might return to school in ANOTHER MONTH, but for us... especially for me, my time is up. I want to say something for those of you who are fortunate enough to have another month left:
As we walked around the school yesterday, I could already see my school year before my eyes.
And I. Did. Not. Like. It. At all.
God, if I have to go another year biting my tounge, keeping myself from doing what I want to do and always being the one to walk behind, I will chop someone's head off. If I continue to walk in someone's shadow and acting like a scared kid when I'm already a fucking senior, I will have to bust up someone's face. If my senior year I stay in the back bleachers and wonder why I feel so miserable then I will know that I am destined to fail at life.
Although I felt generally happy when I got home yesterday---after seeing my friends after two months---I suddenly felt very lonely, very afraid. I know for sure that if things are going to be different this year I'm gonna have to do some cutting, pasting, some talking, some action. Tomorrow will have to be very different from yesterday. Yesterday I walked into my homeroom, sat with the emo/band kids who I'm always used to sitting next to and I realized I use them as a comforting shield, a group I knew I could easily blend into if I tried. The thing is, I stood out the most.
Why had I always been afraid to face people who intimidate me? Was it fear of rejection? Why did I always move myself to the back of the group and shove someone else to the front? Why?
Because I was too lazy too try. I'd come home, listen to 'Chente and wish we had beer in the house so I could get drunk and sing along tunelessly to his music---music I could barely relate to expect for the passion and desperation in his voice.
I understand one thing now, however. Summer is over for us here in Tennesse. Maybe not for the rest of the world who might return to school in ANOTHER MONTH, but for us... especially for me, my time is up. I want to say something for those of you who are fortunate enough to have another month left:
Time moves fast. Don't waste it. Go for whatever you want. Be careful. Realize
that life can quickly snatch the carpet from under you. And for absolutely no
reason should you let yourself be influenced by those who hurt you.
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